Waste

God, what am I doing? I just spent a perfectly good weekend not doing anything. I have piles and loads etc. of work to do and instead I watched Neon Genesis Evangelion. The whole f-in' thing.

But that's okay, because I did for myself. And I'm happy because I was doing something that made me happy. Thinking, the whole time, me me me happy happy happy. I mean, I do a lot of stuff that, I guess, makes me not unhappy or has no effect or which I enjoy but none of these things are things that I do just because I want to enjoy them.

It gets in the way of my professional life, though. Too bad, I think, *sigh* because I would like to be, well, more career oriented. The problem is that I think I may have become burned out on my present "job" and need to move on to something entirely else.

In order to switch careers, however,you have to have something that you want to do instead. For me perhaps that could be fiction writing. I have a certain flair for it and I've taken some seminars and so forth and been approved of and had professionals be jealous etc. This is not to brag but to remind myself that it actually did happen and wasn't a dream. Finally in order to do that I would have to have in mind a project... Wanting to write the Great American Novel is hardly concrete enough to go on, since I don't trust the Muses to, umm, be nice to me just because.

And I realized that I was ready to mourn the loss of my relationship with my ex. That was a hard, hard f-ing difficult terrible breakup. Not really theatrical unless you like those slow-burn psychological breakdown type of films. I was, well, mindfucked. I will admit that I cried. (The last time was five years ago.) And I got to get out that useless "Why did you leave me?" question that I already knew the answer to. Just it was a way of letting go, acknowledging the death of something important to me (if not in any way beautiful).

Time to move forward. Still in a very cored-out flat sort of space, though.